Hello everyone,

It’s that time once again to hit up the Mailbag; this week, a gent named Mr. E writes:

“I read your comments at Loveawake. I also read your website. I need advice.

I am 40. I live with my 35 year old girlfriend. We have been living together for one month. I have two sons, she has one son. Ages 4,5,6. They live with us all the time. Sometimes they are gone to grandparents. I plan to marry her this summer.

If I want to leave them all at home on a Saturday morning and go play in a poker tournament, should I be asking or telling. tourney runs from 8am until noon.

I told her I will be going, I’ll be gone from 8am-12pm. Whether the kids are gone or not. she says ok. Then 20 minutes later she says good thing I didnt have plans. I say what plans would you have on a Saturday at 8am?

This is her response…

“Lalah”: No, I’m saying it should have been…hey I’d like to go play poker. If the kids are home do you mind if I go. You’d get the same answer. It’s cool with me. But the way you said it took all my choices out of it. I was watching them if they are home no matter what. That’s all. Not trying to start a fight. 12:06 PM

My thoughts are…1)How are you watching your own kids? 2)You have no options you are a woman. Not at work then you have your kids in tow.

I just said ok until I could get advice on how to proceed.

I think I should be telling, not asking. I don’t care if she minds if I go.

Who is right? BTW I stay home with the kids on the weekend so she can get her nails done also to go to the store in peace.”

Welp, let me give you props and congrats on the upcoming nuptials! Now, with that out of the way, let’s get to the good part:

You, as the Guy, set the tenor and tone as to how things go down. Women can and will follow your lead on it. If you bend, break or flinch or sweat, you’re done.

In the Game/PUA community, there’s a term for this sort of thing: Frame Control. In poker, they call it a Poker Face.

You layout your itinerary for the weekend; you do it well in advance, so as to give your sweetie the chance to speak on it and make any adjustments. If she doesn’t do this, or has no initial concerns, etc, all well and good.

On the other hand, if she comes back with concerns, all well and good for you. Not so well and good for her.

You hold the frame. And you stand your ground.

There’s another term/concept in the Game/PUA community; it’s known as Sh*t Tests. Women will subconsciously (and consciously, I might add!) “test” their Men with all manner of things, just to see how he reacts and responds. Doesn’t sound very rational or logical I know, but then we Men have things we do and go/don’t go for that aren’t particularly smacking of Vulcan-like logic either, so go figure.

Anyway, IF a Man buckles under a Woman’s sh*t test(ing), it gives her a signal that her guy may buckle under any sort of pressure from anyone – which is a serious no-no for Women from a mating standpoint.

Back in the day, a Man had avocations: he hunted, fished, camped, ran ball, hit up the gym, had poker night, went to the horserace track, had bowling night with the fellas, “fight night” (boxing), etc. Those times, are gone, very sadly in my view. Those were times of the week when the Missus knew what was up, and her Guy was not to be disturbed or impeded.

It was called Boundaries.

Today, “boundaries” are “reimagined” to mean, that which only pertains to Women and their interests/needs/desires/etc/et al. Not that Women have no such needs and so on; but they have completely “crowded out” everything else in American life – and this is particularly so in Black American life.

You, as the Brotha in this here thing, must make it clear that your word is bond, and that you won’t be changing it on a whim; that when you layout your itinerary for the week, barring serious emergencies, you’re sticking to it. If you let your Woman mess with it on a whim, not only will you be in the sh*t, but so will she.

It has been observed, that Sistas have a tendency to sh*t test harder and with more frequency than do Women of other races; when one sits back to think on it however, it actually makes a lot of sense. Unilke other races of Women in the United States, where the social/political/economic “place” of Men is assured and easily determined, Black Men historically and to this day, cannot say this as readily; their “place” in society is always on a “contingent” basis, at best. This then creates quite a bit of anxiety in the hindbrains of many Black Women, which in turn creates the excessive sh*t testing.

Don’t fall prey to it.

While it is true that, taken as a group, Black Men wield very little institutional, economic or political power, individually Black Men have the same ability to impact their immediate environment psychodynamically as any other Man; and your Time, is part of said environment. What you choose to do with it, and how you choose to use it, are decisions that you and you alone, must take and then adhere to, again, barring serious emergencies. You have every right under God’s Sun, to set your boundaries, layout your plans, and execute them as determined, by you and per your schedule. Your lady has had the chance and time to suggest alterations in your plans, and has elected not to speak on it at that time. Doing so at such a late date, in such a flimsy manner at that, suggests to me that she’s sh*t testing you.

Don’t. Blink.

Many Brothas have no idea how much A LOT of Black Women are sickened with the sheer number of emasculated Brothas out there; I’ve had quite a few broach the topic in conversation with me, unprompted. I think many Sistas are seeing, that their “freedoms” have come at a heavy price.

And their actions, taken as a collective, are evidence of this.

Men in general, and Brothas in particular, MUST learn what Sh*t Tests are, why and how they happen, what Frame Control is and why it is important, learn what Boundaries mean and how and why they have every right to enforce them, and what it means for a Man to have an Avocation.

In short:

Get a Life.

Make your plans.

Execute accordingly.

And Control the Frame.

Any questions?

And now, it’s your turn out there to have your say: what would you advise Mr. E to do in this situation?

Don’t forget: if you want your letter to be featured on the mailbag, just contact yours truly at theobsidianfiles@hotmail.com, and let me know if you want me to use your govt name or a an alias, and it’ll be done!

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