Someone once told me that one of the tactics police investigators use to break down a criminal into confessing their crime is through sleep deprivation. I also remember this person suggesting it was a manipulative tactic because with extreme sleep deprivation, people become delirious and can be convinced of pretty much anything. Even that they are guilty of a crime they may have not committed.

After this last weekend, I can totally relate. Start with extreme exhaustion, toss in a little bit of alcohol, and you have a concoction of manipulation waiting to happen. My story started when I got back from my trip home. As I mentioned in a previous story about my vibrating suitcase, I was very bored back there. So naturally, I arrive back in LA and I want to party my face off. And one weekend is not enough. I keep going all week despite the fact I have to get up early for work the next day. Come Thursday and I can literally fall asleep with my eyes opened, sitting up straight at my desk. The only time anyone catches on is if I start to drool or snore.

An accurate depiction of me last week

Thursday night rolls around, still nap-free thanks to dinners with some old friends after work. My girlfriend wants to go out. What do you think my response was? Hell yes. We head out, at this point my head is spinning. I feel drunk before I get any alcohol in me. I am absolutely delirious, everything is entertaining to me and nothing in the world bothers me. I think I have hit a new level of sleep deprivation which includes the symptom of euphoria.

When you’re this tired, a piece of bread really does make a good pillow

Of course in my delirious state I have a night of run-ins that deserve to be yelled at or ignored. Both previous one night stands that treated me like dirt. One of them picking up a girl in his unique douchebag way, the same way he picked me up. Luckily I deleted this one’s number afterwards. However, in my delirious, euphoric state I was thrilled to see him. I was waiting for the chance to go chat him up again when another run-in walked by me and out of the bar. Again, my delirious mind was excited and I took out my phone because this one I could easily harass via text message.

He was a one night stand who was the most selfish partner in bed I’ve ever experienced. And in the morning, I got up to leave and he let me fend for myself, not even asking for my number. Months later I bumped into him in a bar and he begged for my number, apologizing for what a jerk he was. It sounded genuine so I gave him my number. For the next 5 days he begged to come over and “F” me. It was likely the most rude text conversation ever. He was on a roll: most selfish lover award, most rude text message award. Needless to say, I told him I would rather sit home alone and watch Mad Men than see him and I never spoke to him, expecting that to be the last time.

Until that night. I had never deleted his phone number, just because I didn’t really care. And I figured it would be nice to know it was him if he ever tried to contact me again. And in my euphoric moment of weakness, yep…I actually texted him.

We texted back and forth for awhile, and as soon as he knew I was right around the corner, he started to work his douchebag manipulation magic. He wanted me to come over and he wasn’t going to give up. This time, in my sleep deprived state, he convinced me it was a good idea to come over.

Someone please make a sign that says “Do Not Text Tiredly”

And of course, as expected, I had a night of the most unsatisfying sex one could possibly imagine. On top of one more night of sleep deprivation and waking up to the sinking feeling that I had been manipulated into bed.

So girls, my advice to you: get plenty of sleep before going out and make a list to pass around to all your friends that consists of off-limit guys for those times when you are really drunk, desperate or sleep deprived. If my friend knew this guy was off limits, she could have been more convincing than him. The drunk or sleep-deprived sheep just needs a leader – one who is not going to lead her into a guy’s bed.

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