For those of you who are new to my blog, or to me, welcome to the wild inner world of Miss Blue. Most recently, this has been a tumultuous inner world, one that nearly led to an emotional breakdown today. I had the help of the usual suspects like my friends Angela, Adriana, Mom and Serena, as well as a few unlikely friends: Thor, Ansel and even my ex.

I was faced with a reality so mind-bending that I felt as if I had been given a fork, a plate of shit, and ordered to eat:

I was asked to consider leaving my doctoral program.

Even typing that sentence makes me catch my breath. Many of the reasons I were given were: 1) I was spending too much time “enjoying life” (e.g., taking a trip to Spain last October – never mind that I spent four hours every night working on a paper) and that 2) I was not being a good researcher (e.g., not publishing my work – never mind that I apply to and present at two to four conferences a year). I was blindsided. I knew I wasn’t the best Ph.D. student in my department, but the fact that I had been asked to consider leaving was beyond comprehension. My work is excellent, even if I am not able to conduct it in a manner and time frame my professors are looking for. Nevertheless, I know I did not communicate well with certain faculty, notably my advisor, who I have a tense relationship with. Additionally, I was told my funding would be cut next year. But most heartbreakingly, I realized that people who had believed in me two years ago no longer believed in me.

So I was faced with a few difficult decisions to make.

I couldn’t sleep last night. I had difficulty breathing. I spent most of today crying and calling friends, including the people I mentioned earlier. All of them parceled out their day to talk to me. For that, I’m grateful beyond belief. All of them offered me what I needed: A logical perspective and emotional support.

Also, that adage about raining / pouring? So true. In addition to the usual woes, which are heart-heavy enough, I also had to pay for a major car repair … and my computer cord broke. Thank God for the Apple Genius Bar, sweet mechanics named Juan who give you major discounts because they see your tear-stained face, and espresso coffee.

What I know is this: I’m going to continue and complete my Ph.D. if it’s the last thing I do. But I may need to change my plans on how I do that.

So, romance has been the farthest thing from my mind recently. What I needed today was friendship, even if I had to ask a couple of exes to help me. And it is for these friendships that I can regain some life to my life. Thanks to them, I can pick myself up and carry on.

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