In this series, Malibu Mona – a REAL mystic who has worked with Brian Wilson, Phil Spector and Mandy Patinkin, amongst others – analyzes your love conundrums based on the exact time and day of the couple’s birth.  Have a perplexing situation for her to figure out? Send it to my email.
- .ed

Dear Malibu Mona,

My girlfriend of 5 years just dumped me on my ass. Worse, I just found out she’s been sleeping with my next door neighbor for over a year, a guy we had over for dinner every Friday. It’s like a plot from some terrible porno – me watching the game from the next room, and them – Jesus I can’t even think about it without bursting into tears! Help me Mona!!

My birthday: October 22, 1968, 2:36 AM California

Her birthday: August 8, 1968

— Perplexed in Midtown

Dear Perplexed, You didn’t mention her birth time, but we’ll just assume she was Born Under a Bad Sign.

In your case, you have Aquarius Rising, which means your friends think you are a sort of a nutcase. You are attracted to women who are the opposite of Aquarius, which is strong Leo. Now your ex-GF is a Leo, which explains it.

But your sun signs are not good, my friend. You were born on the cusp of Libra and Scorpio, meaning you are a split personality. One day you are Libra, the Sign of Balance—fair and charming, and maddeningly and frustratingly indecisive because you clearly see both sides of every situation. The next day you are the Scorpion King.

Now to Scorpio, life is simply small battles in an ongoing war. Magnetic, passionate, attracted to the dark side, seeks revenge, a loner, competitive, can be a real asshole. Leo, your ex, demands obedience, power and to be the Queen of the Jungle. You were mismatched from the start. You both want to dominate, control and exert power over each other, and will only get along when you repress your aggressive Scorpio side and exhibit your Libra wimp-self. I’ll bet your neighbor is a pussy, no? Remember: if he wears long sleeved shirts in summer, he hides bondage scars.

In Chinese Astrology you are both Monkeys- the most narcissistic and dangerous of the 12 animals that make up this 5,000 year old discipline. Monkeys exhibit curiosity, mischievousness, and cleverness. They crave attention and the spotlight. Jeeze, you both love yourselves so much I’m surprised you had room for anyone else. Your ex probably thought she was being quite clever when she served you both beers while watching the Knicks lose. You hogged the spotlight because of your Aquarian brilliance and Scorpio megalomania; she resented it and enacted revenge. Monkeys are manipulative and easily bored. They will sleep around and generally be sluts. Trust Mona, you’re better off without her. Move on friend – maybe start borrowing sugar from your neighbors. It worked for her!

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