Warning: This post contains adult themes. Seriously.

“How many sexual partners have you had in the last month?” she asked.

“One.”

“Have you had any other sexual partners in the last two months?”

“No.”

“Three months?” “No.” “Six months?” “No.” “Year?” “Yes.”

“How many?”

“One.”

And still, I felt like a criminal. Is there any other way to conduct these STD tests rather than to have a fast-talking, friendly-but-stern woman drill me with questions from a Word doc, her faced away from me, yet those eyes-in-the-back-of-her-head interrogating my worth as a human being? Jeez, what if I had boinked fifteen guys in the last year, had anal sex, and participated in several threesomes? That would’ve been awkward.

“What form of birth control do you use?”

“Condoms.”

“Every time?” I could see her eyes raise, even though she wasn’t facing me.

“Yes,” I said definitively.

She turned her chair around to face me. Oh sweet, here comes the lecture.

“Condoms are the most effective form of protection against HIV and other STDs besides abstinence. But they must be used correctly EVERY SINGLE TIME you have sexual intercourse. We recommend using lubrication at all times so as to not create micro-tears inside the vagina, and we no longer recommend using spermicide as it has been linked to increased infections. Do you know how to put on a condom?”

“Um. Uh, no, I’ve never done it, but uh, the guys always seem to know how to do it.” Oh shit! I said guys. Is she going to think I was lying about only having slept with one person in the last six months?

She smiled that “I’m doing my best to believe you’re not a total slut” kinda smile, and handed me a nondescript taped up brown-paper bag, which I opened later when in the safety of my own car. I counted the blue-wrappers – one, two…twelve. Damn, Centers for Disease Control.

I took a breath and prepared myself for the battle I was sure was about to ensue: the birth control pill push.

“As I was saying,” she continued, “condoms must be used correctly every single time to be effective against STDs and pregnancy. Birth control pills, and other forms of hormonal and non-hormonal birth control can be used when there is no threat of STDs, as they only prevent pregnancy. Also, I recommend that you get the whooping cough vaccine as soon as possible as there has been a serious outbreak in Asheville. If you work with kids or the elderly, it’s essential. Do you work with the public?”

What? Whoa, were did we just go? I was prepared for the onslaught that would meet my, “I really do use condoms all the time even though they suck because I refuse to take birth control pills, or the IUD, or Depo Provera as some experiment that will have long-term and short-term repercussions on both my body and my health,” but not for the random vaccine push. I mean, I guess I could’ve seen the HPV vaccine coming, since it’s the miracle cure for not getting cervical cancer and everything (ahem). But whooping cough? Really?

Mostly though, I wanted to ask, “Why the hell, in all the infinite wisdom of the Centers for Disease Control, the pharmaceutical companies, and all the scientific researchers of the world, have they not come up with some form of birth control that doesn’t fuck women’s bodies in some way, shape, or form? Why do our hormones have to be changed so that we face increased risks of breast cancer (contrary to what they say), a higher probability that we’ll have a stroke, and permanent sexual dysfunction? Plus, I ain’t down with the weight gain, mood swings, and certainly not the decreased sex drive, no siree. Maybe most importantly, why don’t men have to carry some of the burden of preventing the abortion debate by changing some part of their sexual function (yeah, condoms don’t count)?”

Instead I answered, “No, I don’t work with the public.”

“Well, I still recommend that you get the vaccine, because all it takes is standing next to someone in line at the grocery store who has it.”

I let that one slide. I just want to get out of there.

“HIV tests now show results up to two months prior. So, if both you and your partner – is this a person you plan to continue having sex with? – have not have sexual intercourse with anyone else in the last two months, and he gets tested soon – does he plan to get tested? – then you are safe to use other forms of birth control without the threat of contracting HIV or other STDs. As long as you remain each other’s only partner.”

Wow, I didn’t realize I was going to have to talk about my not-yet-identified future sexual escapades with the free clinic counselor. I should’ve run through a mock interview with a friend, considering the bullets of sweat now running down the side of my face.

I looked over to the wall covered in informational posters. There were explanatory sheets on the interior sexual organs of both men and women, a questionnaire about vaginal symptoms, and a notice about whooping cough with a picture of a woman holding a baby. Then I saw it. “Prevent cervical cancer! Get vaccinated for HPV.”

I knew it.

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