Imagine that you’re in a perfectly happy relationship.

But, a deadly combination of an unusually stressful week (you just got demoted at work for a monkey. not a figurative monkey either. your boss decided that placing a real, live monkey in your old position would be more productive than keeping you there. and, after a couple of days, you realized that he was right. plus, you’re a redskins fan, and the monkey oddly favors jason campbell), an unusually compassionate blind blasian stripper, and an unusually strong ultimate zombie pushed you off the cheating cliff once three months ago.

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Yet, there’s no residual damage (std’s, torn hamstrings, m.s.c.s.r.’s¹ etc), no evidence (the blind stripper is afflicted with the same condition as guy pierce in memento, a fact which made them a quite sympathetic lay), and, most importantly, absolutely no chance that you’ll ever do it again. you’re happy, you have no need or desire to ever step out of your relationship again, the thought of what you did fills you with guilt and regret, and there’s no chance that your wife will ever find out on her own.²

Usually, this is the part of the blog where i’d ask the women of vsb some open-ended question about honesty and full-disclosure and whether they’d want their significant others to divulge that information to them, while ending my query with some theory about what your answer really says about you.

And, i was actually planning on doing exactly that, until i realized that the vast majority of you all would probably just end up saying some variant of “actually, sometimes its best not to know everything. i wouldn’t want to know“…and you’d be right

Although the idea of choosing to be willfully ignorant initially wouldn’t sit too well with most of you, you’d eventually realize that your naiveté is actually the most optimal and rewarding solution in this situation, considering the unique circumstances. there’s really no good reason to be made aware of this info. “plus”, you’d be thinking to yourself, “his guilty conscience would be his punishment, no need to upset myself about it too.”, and this would be a perfectly mature and pragmatic response

But…what if the stripper was a man?